we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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