My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize