i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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