Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
