I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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