i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
