I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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