We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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