If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
