she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
