I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
