I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize