I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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