you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
