i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
