Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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