Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
