yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
