Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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