Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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