Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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