u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
