Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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