i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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