from now on my penis is your penis
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
