so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
