Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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