There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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