this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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