there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
