So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish you could order shots online.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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