you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
