i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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