I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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