He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
