Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize