i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
