How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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