Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
