Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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