that's an acceptable place to lick
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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