i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
