Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
