i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
