Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
