Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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