He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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