ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
