New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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