He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
