Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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