how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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