you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
