Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
