What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
