Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
