I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize