WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
