just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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