Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
