i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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