i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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