The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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