Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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